Thursday, June 28, 2007

This month, many years ago,---------------------


It was June. I remember i walked up the stairs. I found my parents bedroom open. I went in with a smile on my face. I saw my dad. He was wiping his hand,about to pray. I remember where i was standing. I remember everything as if it is happening now. I checked on my sister. She was asleep. Wait a minute. I wasn't sure if she was asleep. Her face was a mixture of green,blue.She didn't look normal to me. I brought this to the attention of my father. He asked me to leave the room. My heart beats werent normal anymore. I realized something was really wrong. I didn't want to leave. I left but stood out in the corner of the hall between my parent's room and the other rooms. I heard my father call my uncle. My uncle had a black bag in his hand and he walked straight into my parents room. He was checking on my sister. Then my dad called my mom. My mom came up the stairs. She had a mug in her hand. She entered the room. She had this look i shall never forget. Then she was in tears. She had her face covered with both of her hands. I knew then, that my sister was gone.But my uncle was a doctor,if my sister was sick he could help her right? I was a kid,that's what i thought then.But nope.He couldn't.He didn't. Our house turned into a funeral home. Then i realized that there was no way my sister is coming back. I still remember she was wearing a cute pink outfit. I remember everything and i was only a kid then. Many years have passed. I never talked about it with anyone. Not even to my own parents. True, i was a kid,but i understood the pain my parents were enduring, and wasn't about to make them feel worse. I kept my feeling about my sister's death deep within me. I never told anyone about her death. People whom i knew after this incident never knew i lost a sister. I just couldn't tell anyone. It was way too painful. Then there was school, when i went back kids were pointing at me and saying she lost her sister. Some even teased me about it. I still remember their faces. I still remember where i was standing when the kids were talking about my sister's death. I understand now that they were kids, they didn't understand how hurt i was. But then i was a kid too,and i didn't know how to deal with her loss. I never forgot being the first to see her dead. It is really weird that after all these years i have decided to blog about it. Never did i do that in the past. Never. It was something forbidden. As if talking about her meant her death was more real. But it was real. It was "al qadar". Now, i see my cousin who happens to be a year younger then her and i say if she was alive she would have been this year, or that. She would have shared a room with me. She would have....she would have......

It is really hard when you lose someone. But moving on is a must. Moving on doesn't mean you don't like them anymore. I told that to my friend who recently lost her brother in a car crash, because she was planning to put her life on hold FOREVER she'd never go back to university and that basically she would stop living. This was the only time i brought to anyone that i lost a sister. I told her, moving on is part of life,it has nothing to do with stopping our love for those whom we lost. Death is essential thing in our life, and if her bro was alive he would have wanted her to continue to live her life,just like my sister would have. So never take anything for granted,not even the fights you have with your siblings. Really, I'm serious. Bordem would take over,if we didn't have ups and downs in our life. If everything was all happy,then we wouldn't learn the value of being happy. Don't feel sad for me, or sorry. It is totally ok. I'm ok.I miss her, and that is only normal...I know well enough that we are but passengers in this life,and any given moment we'll leave. I wish for that moment to be when we are ready to face Allah. Last, but not least never stop telling those you love, that you love them. I love you all. Alhamdullah.

18 comments:

a_akak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brave Heart said...

thats good H, u r strong enough,i feel ur pain, i have the same situation but with some difference,i have some pain tell now or let me say BH be4 that day not as BH after that day, its very good to talk about things that we keep them deep in our hearts and minds just for forget them or dont talk about them to prevent ourselves from the pain, u r right the life is going forward and wont care about our feeling if we are happy or sad, may be ur a special case cos u were young and cant understand the situation but in ur friend situation she must be more realistic and more near to allah , its allah decision not ours.may allah bless u

a_akak said...

:(

your writing was so strong and straight from the heart that the pain of loss is so apparent that i felt my heart squeeze and i imagined my brothers and i lived the scenario for a few second and i felt pain like nothing before, They say we get stronger by every incident and these incidents make us who we are and I can say it has made you into this great person that i have a lot of respect for and I cant say i know what you are feeling as I have not been through that and i wish i never do even if it mean i go before them but death is the price of life and as Muslims we accept that

Although it might have been many years but we carry the loved ones in our heart no matter how many years, It may have been many years but i offer you my late condolences and may allah forgive and insha allah na7sabha min al-sale7at and may allah yukinha ganaat al-fasee7 ........

As much as we thing we know what to say but words can never describe what we really want to say

Fe Aman allah

mani said...

and I love you too dear sis.

How proud I am of you.

Rodrigo said...

Oi, achei teu blog pelo google tá bem interessante gostei desse post. Quando der dá uma passada pelo meu blog, é sobre camisetas personalizadas, mostra passo a passo como criar uma camiseta personalizada bem maneira. Até mais.

Brave Heart said...

u r right rodrigo i agree with u, u totally tell the truth

DaMoon said...

(HUG) I am speechless,
Alhamduliallah for everything

Romana said...

i dont know what to say.
i cant help but be sad, but sorry for u, no, i dont feel sorry for u, i would've if u were bent out of shake, kneeling down to life, but you are a brave girl, and i so respect that about you.

you should be proud of urself happymoi, dealing with such a traumatizing incident, but u were still capable of finding something to move forward for...you should be proud

Allah y3awdik happiness 3ala kol moment u were sad fiha

LovelyHibo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LovelyHibo said...

لربما مصيبتنا واحده يأختي إسمها الموت
انتي فقدتي أختك وكنتي في ذلك اليوم صغيرة العمر ولكن فكرك و عقلك استطاع تفهم الموقف بكل حذافيره

هل يمكنني أن أحسدك فقد كنتي صغيرة وكانت هي أيضاً صغيرة..

دعيني أفرد جناحي المكسور والمجروح فوق جناحك..

فقدت أبي ..مات ...كنت كبيرة 29 سنة وهو 69 سنة...
كنت المدلله لذيه وهو كان أبي وحبيبي وصديقي و أخي وكل مالا يمكنك تخيله أو تصوره

فمن المعروف ان البنت صديقة أمها أنا وأبي كسرنا المتعارف عليه وكنا صديقين و خصمين و حبيبين و متضادين كنا كل ذلك

كنت ألجئ إليه عندما تشتد مشاكلي في الحياة والعمل فأحكي له و يقف ورائي يحميني من اولئك الناس الذين لا يخافون إلا بالمناصب و الواسطه والمعارف

جناحي مكسور يا اختي ماعساني أفعل ..مع كل هذا الضحك والفرح والتسلية التي أحاول أن أغرق نفسي فيها إلا أنني أذكره كثيراً و أبكيه في ظلمات الليل أكثر ..

الموت مؤلم مؤلم ومهما كان صبرك كبيراً و إيمانك بالله أكثر فيظل مؤلم..

تشتاقين لأختك..وانا أشتاق لها و أشتاق لوالدي...هل تعرفين ماالذي ينزل دموعي بسرعة ..مجرد التفكير أنني الوحيده بين أخي و اختي التي سترتبط وتتزوج ولن يكون والدها بجانبها

لن يكون بجواري ليفرح لفرحي وليأخدني في أحضانه ..

آه يا أخيتي كلامك ايقض جروحي..
خصوصاً ان 29-5-2007 مرت سنة كاملة علي وفاة أبي وكنت بعيده عنه في لندن
لم أتمكن من زيارته في قبره
ولم أحضي بذلك الشعور المطمئن من زيارتي له في المقبرة

ومع هذا الحمد الله والشكر له

أختي تذكري دئما أن أختك محظوظة فموتها صغيرة يعني بأنها أحتسبتَ من الملائكة بإذن الله...

اما ابي فبنتظاره طريق طويل
فاللهم أرحمه وأغفر له وكن معه و ظمئنه علينا انا و امي و اختي واخي

الحمد الله علي كل حال
ولا حول ولا قوة الا بالله العلي العظيم

ibeebarbie said...

Salam Happymoi,
The humblest of humble "thank you's". Thank you for opening yourself up to us, trusting us enough to make yourself vulnerable to share such a personal experience.

How do you feel now that you've actually opened that door to the past and written about it? Realizing logically everything happens as it should, but how do you feel?

Anglo-Libyan said...

with time you learn to live with a death in the family but you never forget and that is OK

thank you for sharing this sad event with us, Allah bless you.

Happymoi said...

Thank you all for your comments. I feel proud to be part of this community. No worrys. I'm ok.

BH- I know how hard it is when you lose someone you love. I think my friend was in a shock stage and she was brave enough to come finish her exams up. It is a hard time for her. All she needs is time. I'm sure she will be fine. We all will be fine. I think for me,it was hard having to revisit the pain. But i needed to let it out.

Akak- I do hope and pray that Allah grants you and your siblings a long life in his ta3a:):) Thank you for everything:)

Mani-Thanks bro.

Rodrigo- I tried to understand what you have written. However im not sure if i understood it correctly- do you want me to visit your page? is that it?

BH- haha. LOL

Damoon-hugs back. Thank you sweetheart:)

Romana- Thank you for your kind words. And many happy days to you habooba:)

Hiba- I know how hard it must be for you...i'm sure your dad is proud of you for moving on with your life. Your love for your dad is clear to the blind, and you should make lots of duaa. Allahuma e3'fer laho wa rahmho,wa ed7'lho fasee7 janetek ya ar7am al ra7meen. You know it is ok to talk about your loss. Keeping your feelings to yourself is tough. Habooba, take good care of yourself. Never forget duaa is powerful:)

Ibee: It took me so long to open up about this.I'm not sure why. I was a kid. The way i dealt with it was the best i could at that given time. I feel much better having talked about it. I'm not depressed or anything... But i never forgat the events...the simplest thing brings the whole event up,even seeing my cousin who happens to be a year younger takes me back to the day of her death. Yesterday, my sister was brought up in a conversation and all of a sudden everything poped up. I had to write it down. Thank you for your thank yous. Maybe, its good i wrote about it because it makes everyone think that really what you have today you may not tomorrow. May Allah grants you happy times.

AngloLibyan- You are right. It is not possible to forget those we loved. But the pain gradually is forgatten. It is a blessing to be able to forget our pains. How else would we move on. May Allah protect you and your family.

Thank you all for your thoughts and feelings. I dont want anyone to walk away depressed from what i wrote but rather look at it as a reminder of things u take for granted

Happymoi said...

CHEER UP ALL

LovelyHibo said...

حتي احني
مCHEER UP
عربي انقليزي -- شوفي جوك


يخي فوق التشير اب

رغم ان صارت لاختي لققطو في شقتها والله تخلينا لا تشييير اب ولا عمك يحزنون

قالك فيران في شقتها...
توا نكملللكم القصة في موعد أخر

PH said...

I don't know what to say other than to commend your courage ...... I would find it very hard myself to write about something like this in such a way mashaa allah :)......and you were right in everything you said sis :)

salaam

MaySoon said...

I am touched by your words Happy may Allah bless you and your family!

I love you too, and we should say it more often to all of those whom we love..

Happymoi said...

Hiba- 7ey 7ey feran mara wa7da..ya lateef wa kalas...

Ph: thank you for your comment.

Maysoon: thank you sweety, and may Allah protect you and your family. Yes totally we should say it more often:)