I'm feeling so down! I have no explanation as to why or what. I'm really tired of the routine, i'm sick of how things are at the moment. I'm so bored. I have nothing to do, and not in the mood for anything. All im doing these days is staying up late, waking up late, and really doing nothing useful...well..other than reading the Innocent Man by my favourite authour John Grisham, the book is good so far but the timing is soooo wrong....you just dont read about injustices of the justice system when you are feeling down..and the thing is it is John Grisham's first non-fiction book so really that is adding mostiour to clay!!!"zaydet al teen bala"
All I want is to be in an Island somewhere far away from here--alone..i want to have time for myself..Every Ramadan & every Eid i get this feeling, maybe because i miss the way my Eids/Ramadans were..but its been three years, my Eids should have been redefined..but they havent ... im still thinking about the community gatherings,the lazer tag games,the parties,ubc gatherings, king gorge park, bowling and friends,friends,friends,friends...I think of how life is passing by and how little i have accomplished in the past 3 years since my arrival to this place. Dont get me wrong, i love it here so much, and there are things about it here that make it so special but...there are lots of buts....the way my family has choosen to live here isnt really suiting me,
I have been riased to be ruled by my faith and nothing else. Culture never directed how i acted, or what i did....now look what i found here: 3 days of Eid, no other food is eaten other than beans sauce (fasolya/and bazelya)...there is this belief in my grandma's head of some sort..what the hell...really what the hell...sheno hada...thats totally non sense!!!I have a tough time accepting things in such lines and boy they are tooooooooo many...if my religion doesnt prohibt me from doing something why should i? now that part of me no one seems to accept, and the thing is i dont really care...cuz im not ready to live with non sense...thats really a bed3a!!!
By nature, im a very active person, and since i landed foot in this place i have done so little...Ok my future is bright here...I mean i have tons of luring offers. I got an offer from the main oil company here which includes paid langauge courses/work contract/and a scholarship abraod, also i have a chance of getting a scholarship abroad from my university, and a chance to be a student teacher (a mo3eda)...things are pouring on me and i dont know what im to do...i feel lost! I need to think through things and really figure out what i want to do...but still with all this i feel if i was still where i was i would have done alot more.
I have made a decision to start driving, well step number one is to take driving lessons, so far im still in the process of getting my papers done...im so afriade i will pull back...the traffic is so choatic and im not sure if i can handle it, but really i must. So much depends on my driving. I have been wanting to take french courses to upgrade my french(which i forgat so much of probably) but havent been able to because of transporation issues...ah lots on my mind, and im just tyeping my thoughts regradless of order..just whatever comes to my mind!
Maybe i feel the way i feel because of the many decsions i have to take,
Maybe because im soon going to start my last year of law school and the question of what next: wont leave my head...maybe because im used to having everything planned ahead and this time its not easy to plan ahead....i have the question of: where should i do my masters? here or abraod? should i take the offer from the oil company? or should i just accept the scholarship from my univeristy? my parents want me to do the latter as they say i should take something that would keep me free...cuz if i take the oil company offer i may have to sign a contract and stay with them for a period of time...where as the uni scholarship means im free to do whatever i wish...ahhh lots of thinking...and i remain so lost among the many options i have...
For now i just want to party, or do anything fun...i need to take my mind of thinking so hard...i dont know why i always expect myself to be prefect at everything..i know no one is prefect but why doesnt this thought sink in..no matter how much i accomplish i always say i could have done much better....now even with my school results...i got top student, and after awhile all i was saying to my self was: my average could have been higher...why do i expect so much of myself?? my parents are not very demanding of us, but i grew up very demanding of myself....and i have no explanation for it either!
Done for now..hope tomorrow will be better for me!