This month, many years ago,---------------------

It was June. I remember i walked up the stairs. I found my parents bedroom open. I went in with a smile on my face. I saw my dad. He was wiping his hand,about to pray. I remember where i was standing. I remember everything as if it is happening now. I checked on my sister. She was asleep. Wait a minute. I wasn't sure if she was asleep. Her face was a mixture of green,blue.She didn't look normal to me. I brought this to the attention of my father. He asked me to leave the room. My heart beats werent normal anymore. I realized something was really wrong. I didn't want to leave. I left but stood out in the corner of the hall between my parent's room and the other rooms. I heard my father call my uncle. My uncle had a black bag in his hand and he walked straight into my parents room. He was checking on my sister. Then my dad called my mom. My mom came up the stairs. She had a mug in her hand. She entered the room. She had this look i shall never forget. Then she was in tears. She had her face covered with both of her hands. I knew then, that my sister was gone.But my uncle was a doctor,if my sister was sick he could help her right? I was a kid,that's what i thought then.But nope.He couldn't.He didn't. Our house turned into a funeral home. Then i realized that there was no way my sister is coming back. I still remember she was wearing a cute pink outfit. I remember everything and i was only a kid then. Many years have passed. I never talked about it with anyone. Not even to my own parents. True, i was a kid,but i understood the pain my parents were enduring, and wasn't about to make them feel worse. I kept my feeling about my sister's death deep within me. I never told anyone about her death. People whom i knew after this incident never knew i lost a sister. I just couldn't tell anyone. It was way too painful. Then there was school, when i went back kids were pointing at me and saying she lost her sister. Some even teased me about it. I still remember their faces. I still remember where i was standing when the kids were talking about my sister's death. I understand now that they were kids, they didn't understand how hurt i was. But then i was a kid too,and i didn't know how to deal with her loss. I never forgot being the first to see her dead. It is really weird that after all these years i have decided to blog about it. Never did i do that in the past. Never. It was something forbidden. As if talking about her meant her death was more real. But it was real. It was "al qadar". Now, i see my cousin who happens to be a year younger then her and i say if she was alive she would have been this year, or that. She would have shared a room with me. She would have....she would have......

It is really hard when you lose someone. But moving on is a must. Moving on doesn't mean you don't like them anymore. I told that to my friend who recently lost her brother in a car crash, because she was planning to put her life on hold FOREVER she'd never go back to university and that basically she would stop living. This was the only time i brought to anyone that i lost a sister. I told her, moving on is part of life,it has nothing to do with stopping our love for those whom we lost. Death is essential thing in our life, and if her bro was alive he would have wanted her to continue to live her life,just like my sister would have. So never take anything for granted,not even the fights you have with your siblings. Really, I'm serious. Bordem would take over,if we didn't have ups and downs in our life. If everything was all happy,then we wouldn't learn the value of being happy. Don't feel sad for me, or sorry. It is totally ok. I'm ok.I miss her, and that is only normal...I know well enough that we are but passengers in this life,and any given moment we'll leave. I wish for that moment to be when we are ready to face Allah. Last, but not least never stop telling those you love, that you love them. I love you all. Alhamdullah.